Comfort Corner: Things to Live By

Things to Live By :)

WHAT IS A FRIEND

A friend is someone who understands and
someone you can trust.

They will listen to you both night and day without ever making a fuss.
A friendwill stand by your side when you are right and sometimes when you are wrong.

They will hold you up when you are weak and provide support to make you strong.
A friend's love is unconditional and unique in every way.

And when you have problems a true friend will kneel with you and pray.
A friend will stand by your side through thick and thin.

And whenever everyone have deserted you they still will be your friend.
A friend once said to me that a friendis sent from God above and I believe this to be true.

Because God has sent a friend to me and that friend to me is YOU.

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Suggestions For Women To Respond To Pickup Lines

Not all of you are retarded, it's just that most of you are.
SO: First line: Guy. Second line: Girl

"Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
"Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

"So what do you do for a living?"
"Female impersonator."

"Is this seat empty?"
"Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

"So, wanna go back to my place?"

"Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

"I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
"It's in the phone book."
"But I don't know your name."
"That's in the phone book too."

"What sign were you born under?"
"No Parking."

"I know how to please a woman."
"Then please leave me alone."

"Haven't we met before?"
"Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

"I want to give myself to you."
"Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

"I can tell that you want me."
"You're so right. I want you... to leave."

"Hey, baby, What's your sign?"
"Stop."

"Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

"May I see you pretty soon?"
"Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"

"Your body is like a temple."
"Sorry, there are no services today."

"I'd go through anything for you."
"Good! Let's start with your bank account."

"I would go to the end of the world for you."
"Yes, but would you stay there?"

"Your place or mine?"
"Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

"Hey, baby, What's your sign?"
"Do not enter."

" Does beauty run in your family?"
" It obviously doesn't in yours!"

"What's your name sexy?"
"Taken"

" Do you believe in love at first sight or do you want me to walk by again?"
" Yeah, but this time don't stop!"

" I think you're the best looking girl in here."
" Really? Well, I'd better go find the best looking guy then, hadn't I!"

"Your legs go clear up to your ass."
"Most peoples' do!"

"Can I buy you a drink?
" Go ahead, but only if you buy my boyfriend one too!"

"You look like a dream."
"Go back to sleep."

" Whats it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?"
"Whats it like being the biggest liar in the world?"

"I can see forever in your eyes."
"But all I can see is never in yours."

"I looked up beautiful in the thesaurus today and your name was included."
"Thanks! Hey, I saw your name next to jerk."

After hearing a pickup line:
"I like your approach, now let's see your departure."

Guys Comebacks to Rejection:

"Would you like to dance?"
" Not with you."

" Oh, come on. Lower your standards a little, I just did."

" Do you wanna dance?"
" Yeah but not with you!"
"You must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants!"

"Whatcha looking at, honey?"

"I thought you were attractive, I was mistaken"

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Now... make a wish.

Wish REALLY hard!

WISH WISH WISH WISH

Your wish has just been received

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Did you know...

Kissing is healthy.

Bananas are good for period pain.

It's good to cry.

Chicken soup actually makes you feel better.

94 percent of boys would love it if you sent them flowers.

Lying is actually unhealthy.

You really only need to apply mascara to your top lashes.

It's actually true, boys DO insult you when they like you.

89 percent of guys want YOU to make the first move.

Chocolate will make you feel better.

Most boys think it's cute when you say the wrong thing.

A good friend never judges.

A good foundation will hide all hickeys... not that you have any.

Boys aren't worth your tears.

We all love surprises.

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QUOTES TO LIVE BY

Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?

Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in 'mother in law', they come out to 'Woman Hitler'?

"Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried to slam a revolving door,"- Unknown

“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.” – Unknown

“Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.” – Unknown

When I was younger, my parents encouraged me to walk and talk. Now, all they want me to do is sit down and shut up!

Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, BUT it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and slap that jerk upside the head

"Some people are like Slinkies. They're really good for nothing. But they still really bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs."

You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder

They say guns don't kill people, people kill people, but honestly I think guns have something to do with it because if someone just stood there and said "bang," I don't think many people would be dead...

I'm the kind of person that walks into a door and apologizes.

Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.

Did you just call me a bitch? Because a bitch is a dog. Dogs bark. Bark is on trees. Trees are a part of nature. And nature is beautiful. I know I'm beautiful! Thanks for the complement.

Please Note: CHRISTMAS IS CANCELLED Apparently you told Santa that you have been good this year...he died laughing.

There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE when it's weird.

You don't have to be faster than the bear, you just have to be faster than the slowest guy running from the bear.

Don't follow in my footsteps. I walk into walls.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?(testicals XD)

Oops, I appear to have fallen on your lips.

My heart is not a playground

I'm not so good at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

Dear Heart, I met a boy/girl today, prepare to shatter.

To a guy love is only a chapter but to a girl its her whole book.

You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.

I hate it when people say: "When life give you lemons, make lemonade." Well, you know what, life never gave you water and sugar, so you can only make lemon juice.

"It's always in the last place you look" Well duh, who keeps looking after they found it.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them more.

When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it.

I'd rather be hated for who I am than be loved for who I'm not.

A good friend bails you out of jail. A best friend is sitting there next to you saying 'Man, that was fun!'

1 universe, 9 planets, 204 countries, 807 islands, 7 seas, and I still had the unfortunate luck to meet YOU.

I would trust my best friend with my life, but NOT my phone or my facebook.

When someone's laugh is so much funnier than the joke.

"Can I help you?" No, I just waited in line for 20 minutes to say 'hi'.

"Maybe it's Maybelline!" ...or maybe it's photoshop, who knows?

"Dude, she just called you blonde!" "What? That's not my name?"

Sometimes, you gotta hand it to short people. Because most of the time, they just can't reach it.

It's not that I hate you, no! Just put it this way, if you were on fire, and I had water... I'd drink it.

RIP to all those snowmen who died fighting in the snow :'(

I'm not afraid of death. What's it gonna do? Kill me?

Give me candy if you haven't died yet.

Cross over to the dark side... WE HAVE COOKIES!!!!!!!

When life gives you lemons, throw lemons back in life's face and go back to feeling sorry for yourself

- If your name was Mr. Crunch, and you went into the navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch?

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it

Officer, I swear to Drunk I'm not God!

If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.

I've got ADD and magic markers, oh the thrills I will have

Never knock on Death's door, ring the bell and run away, he hates that

One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh he took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.

I'm not random, I just have many tho- OH A SQUIRREL!

Elmo knows where you live!

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most

An apple keeps the doctor away, if well aimed

Taste the rainbow: EAT CRAYONS!

Last night I lay in bed looking at the stars and thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?!

When there's a will, I want to be in it

Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself

Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much

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Way's to Make Sure Your Insane

At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. see if they slow down.

Page yourself over the intercom. don't disguise your voice.

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy"

Ask your dog if it's comfortable with it's name. Repeat with cat, until people ask if you're alright.

As often as possible, skip rather than walk .

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go"

Sing along at the opera.

Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme .

Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because your not in the mood.

When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I WON! I WON!"

When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives! they're loose!!"

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FRIENDS/BEST FRIENDS:

FRIENDS: Will comfort you when he rejects you.
BEST FRIENDS: Will go up and ask him, "It's because you're gay, isn't it?"

FRIENDS: Will be there for you when he breaks up with you.
BEST FRIENDS: Will call him up and whisper, "Seven days..."

FRIENDS: Helps you up when you fall.
BEST FRIENDS: Keeps on walking saying, "Walk much, dumb ass?"

FRIENDS: Helps you find your prince.
BEST FRIENDS: Kidnaps him and brings him to you.

FRIENDS: Will ask you if you're okay when you're crying.
BEST FRIENDS: Will laugh at you and say, "Ha Ha, Loser!"

FRIENDS: Will offer you a soda.
BEST FRIENDS: Will dump theirs on you.

FRIENDS: Will sit at the side of the pool with you at that time of the month.
BEST FRIENDS: Will throw you a tampon and push you in.

FRIENDS: Gives you their umbrella in the rain.
BEST FRIENDS: Takes yours and says, "Run bitch run!"

FRIENDS: Will help you move.
BEST FRIENDS: Will help you move the bodies.

FRIENDS: Will bail you out of jail.
BEST FRIENDS: Would be in the room next to you saying, "That was awesome! Let's do it again!"

FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink.
BEST FRIENDS: Helps themselves and are the reason why you have no food.

FRIENDS: Call your parents by Mr. and Mrs. and Grandpa, by Grandpa.
BEST FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD and MOM and Grandpa, GRAMPS!

FRIENDS: Would bail you out of jail.
BEST FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you sayin "DAMN!" we messed up!"

FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.

BEST FRIENDS: Wont tell everyone else you cried...just laugh about it with you in private when your not down anymore.

FRIENDS: Asks you to write down your number.
BEST FRIENDS: Has you on speed dial.

FRIENDS: Borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back.
BEST FRIENDS: Loses your stuff and tells you, "My bad...here's a tissue."

FRIENDS: Only know a few things about you.
BEST FRIENDS: Could write a very embarrassing biography on your life story...

FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
BEST FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you

FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door.
BEST FRIENDS: Walk right in and say "I'M HOME."

FRIENDS: You have to tell them not to tell anyone.
BEST FRIENDS: Already know not to tell.

FRIENDS: Are only through high school/college. (aka: drinking buddies)
BEST FRIENDS: Are for life.

FRIENDS: Will be there to take your drink away from you when they think you've had enough.
BEST FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place & say "Girl drink the rest of that ! You know we don't waste!"

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In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On a Myer hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping".

(Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

(The shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap".

(And that would be how?)

On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost".

(But, it's just a suggestion).

On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down".

(Well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating".

(And you thought?...)

On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body".

(But wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication".

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds with head colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness".

(And...I'm taking this because?)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only".

(As opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor:"Not to be used for the other use".

(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts".

(Talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts".

(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly"

(I was so looking forward to being able to fly.)

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25 Things I Learnt From My Mother

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3 . My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught t me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don 't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"